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Works of fiction and poetry by friends of Bamboo Ridge Press.

THIS IS A YEAR OF THE ROOSTER CONTEST ENTRY

Water Foul

Published by DOREEN B. | Tuesday, November 14, 2017 2:19 AM


100 words


Once upon another century,
Ali'i women bathed
In Little pond's cool clear waters,
Their broad coconut-oiled shoulders
Glistening like smooth lacquered koa
Under a tropical sun.

Her lens mirrored the song of the iwi'i,
Tracing its hurried flight path;
Darkening to the approach of rain clouds,
That birthed mountain springs
Refreshing her vision.

When the machines came Lono cried,
His tears washing over mauled mountains
Flushing weed-evicting herbicides,
Advancing Little pond's clouding cataract.

Shadows blacken her brackish waters,
Cast by an overgrowth of kiawe trees
Dropping leaves, pods and long-spiked branches
Piercing the Braille of her depths.



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COMMENTS


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Doreen B. - Wednesday, November 15, 2017 4:54 PM.


I thank you for your comment. And yes, you saw the intent of the tense shift clearly...as well as giving me pause to rethink the title. Thank you.

Lanning - Tuesday, November 14, 2017 5:26 PM.


This is beautiful:

Their broad coconut-oiled shoulders
Glistening like smooth lacquered koa
Under a tropical sun.

It's interesting the way you shift tense at the end. Shadows blacken. I think a lot of readers would expect blackened. But you are bring us to the now, right? So the present tense works in an interesting way.